


Guts

by stone_in_focus



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coda, Drabble, Ending Fix, Episode: s09e03 I'm No Angel, Friendship/Love, Human Castiel, M/M, POV Dean Winchester, POV Second Person, Pre-Relationship, Romance, Season/Series 09
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-25
Updated: 2013-10-25
Packaged: 2017-12-30 10:32:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1017542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stone_in_focus/pseuds/stone_in_focus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not till you have to push someone away that you realize just how much you've been pulling to keep them close. Coda for 9x03.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Guts

Tonight was the night Cas finally came home.

And the first thing you did was kick him to the curb.

Everything was supposed to be back to normal—least as normal as it could be in your own little freakish way. For the first time in a long while, things…things were gonna be _good,_ you know? Sammy was on the mend, Crowley was in chains, Kevin was safe and sound asleep for more than five seconds, and Cas was back at the bunker, all smiles when you showed him the room you’d already set up for him. You’d stocked up on burritos, found a couple of B action flicks you’d always been meaning to introduce him to. You’d even picked out some pumpkins when Sam dragged you to that lame farmers’ market the other day…which actually turned out to be not so lame, because one, you were gonna carve a sweet ass Green Lantern symbol, and two—dude, _pie._  Halloween never meant much to you when you’d spent all your life hunting down tales from the crypt, but maybe it was time to change that. Maybe you all could start a tradition of your own and finally have a reason to look forward to the godforsaken holiday. Well, even though the candy part was already pretty awesome. And when Sam said you were turning into a regular Martha Stewart, you didn’t even feel like clocking him.

'Cause you were gonna be a family again.

But apparently, having a brother hopped up on angel juice put a damper on the whole family bonding thing.

Friggin’ angels, man. They made demons look respectable. Even demons gave you the common courtesy of a reach-around. And for a split second, you contemplated spitting it out there if heaven had ever held any pumpkin carving contests. Because when Zeke told you Cas had to scram, it felt like someone had hollowed you out, sliced you up real good. Congratulations on the blue fucking ribbon, jackass.

But the only thing you hated more than being flat-out blackmailed was thinking that there might be some kind of sense in what that dick was saying.

You made your way over to Cas, dreading every step and needing to catch your breath at the doorway. You told yourself you had no choice, but all you heard was that voice inside of you screaming that something ain’t right.

When the hell did you begin trusting other angels over _Cas?_

You paced the floor before getting his attention, trying to gather your wits as you racked your brain for what to say. Your head spun so much, you half-expected to start coughing up pea soup. Hell, you would’ve preferred that. Exorcisms were a walk in the freakin’ park compared to this.

_"Cas, the thing is…"_

_"Listen, buddy, I know we’ve been through a lot…"_

_"If I could have it any other way…"_

_"You gotta understand…"_

_"I need you to understand…"_

_"This doesn’t change a damn thing about how I…"_

_"Believe me, man, I want you here more than anything…"_

_"I don’t…I don’t want you to go, okay?"_

And then you realized the only way you were ever gonna get those words out of your mouth was if you went in and told it to him straight.

"You can’t stay."

When you saw the look on Cas’ face, you knew you hadn’t just kicked the puppy; you’d thrown him off the damn cliff.

You almost felt like throwing yourself off.

Too much was at stake to let him know about your arrangement with Zeke, but you tried your best to tell him it wasn’t anything personal, that you had to do everything in your power to keep Sam safe. Still, the only thing you heard coming out of your ass were a bunch of piss-poor excuses. Like maybe you were trying to convince yourself more than him.

Cas got all quiet on you, and you barely fought back the urge to yell at him to say something, _anything._  When he finally did open his mouth, head bowed and eyes elsewhere, he spoke so calmly you swore something was creeping up your spine.

"It makes sense, Dean. Family comes first."

And it was like the fucking wind had just been knocked out of you.

"No. No, no, _no_ —don’t you go sayin’ that. Don’t you _dare_ think that I–”

Suddenly, you were back in the prissy little apartment that reeked of Febreze and flowery shit, all white knuckles and knotted jaw muscles when you first laid eyes on Cas’ slumped-over body, skewered all to hell. Your knees almost hit the floor when you scrambled over to him, hands shaking and his name breaking in more places than the cracks in his ribs.

And you felt like you were gonna lose it all over again. You were gonna fucking _lose_ it.

"Cas, you…you almost died today. You _did_ die. And you were _human._ " You pawed a hand over your mouth, nearly biting the inside of your cheek. "Man, if we hadn’t been there, I…"

Fuck, and you were just gonna send him out there on his own?

"Just…believe me when I say this is the last thing I want, okay? You gotta believe me."

'Cause you didn't know if you believed yourself anymore.

You made sure he wasn’t sent off without the essentials: a few changes of clothes, some money, whatever you could spare from Baby’s trunk, and a couple fake IDs you still had lying around from the last time you worked a case, including the wallet with the hole you’d punched in on one end so Cas knew which way was up.

It was like you were touching something from a past life when you smoothed a thumb over the well-worn leather.

The drive over to the bus station was all crickets, ‘cept for…Christ, was that Richard Marx on the dial? You almost told Cas that’d be the last time you’d leave Baby with him while you went to take a leak.

Then you saw Cas reaching for the door.

Outside, it burned colder than the devil himself, but if your cheeks stung, you didn’t notice. You were too busy looking at Cas not looking at you, watching as he slung the backpack over one shoulder and turned the other towards the entrance. “I suppose this is…farewell,” he said.

You brushed a hand down his arm, something you’d gotten a little too used to doing these days. “Cas, wait.” From your coat pocket, you retrieved a spare phone and shoved it into his fingers. Didn’t matter if it meant risking a way for that circus of dicks to track you down; Zeke could get bent if he got his panties in a twist about it later. You were done making Cas sacrifice everything for you. Just… _done._ “You get in deep, you call. ‘Kay? And I’ll come barreling in on those sons of bitches.”

Your hands were still squeezing his when he mumbled a thank you, though he refused to give you so much as a side glance. The hell with that.

"Hey…" You gently smacked a palm against his right cheek, your other hand gripping tight the left. ‘Cause dammit, he was gonna hear you straight. ‘Cause maybe you didn’t care that this whole face-touching business was more than a little gay. ‘Cause maybe you’d started thinking it was the kind of thing you wouldn’t mind making a habit of. " _Hey._  This isn’t goodbye, man. We’re gonna see each other again. And I need you to stay in one piece, okay? Otherwise, I…well, I won’t be, Cas. You understand?”

His throat bobbed, his eyes eventually meeting yours. “No.”

And that stupid two-letter word tore into you something fierce.

Your palms slid to his shoulders, fingers restless, like they should’ve been wrangling with a tie. “I’ll explain it to you someday. I promise. You come back after this all blows over, and I’ll tell you anything you want.”

"If it’s of such import, then why not tell me now, Dean?"

"I can’t."

"Why?"

"Because, Cas." You bit your lip as you craned your neck towards the night sky. For fuck’s sake, this shouldn’t have been that hard. Why didn’t you just go rent _Beaches_ and buy yourself a giant tub of ice cream? “If I spill my guts out to you after what happened today…truth is, I don’t think I’m gonna be able to stop.”

And while you were dealing with figuring out how you were ever gonna breathe again, Mr. Squinty Brow was being as observant as ever. “I assume you’re not referring to your intestines…because if so, that would be quite the vivid imagery, especially now that I’ve become familiar with the intricacies of–”

Yeah, no, you really didn’t need to go there. “No, Cas, I’m not.” Although all this sentimental crap was giving you some serious indigestion.

Bastard made you smile, though. And Jesus, you needed it.

"Listen," you said, flicking the edge of your tongue across your lower lip, "I know I’m not good with the whole feelings thing, and maybe some things I don’t say as much as I should or maybe it doesn’t seem like it, but…you’re pretty freaking important to me, Cas. You’re not just a brother; you’re…"

Holy shit. _Holy shit._

"I’m what, Dean?"

You shut your eyes so hard, there were spots. “I, uh… _huh…_ " A laugh teetering on the edge of a choke shot up your throat as you stumbled back to the Impala, patting her hood and hoping to God it’d ground you. "Just…stay safe, Cas. Please."

You were still looking in the rear view mirror even after Cas had disappeared completely. Maybe one day, you’d have the balls to tell him everything.

Part of you wondered if you’d already said too much.

But honestly?

The other part was done giving a damn.


End file.
